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A GON Reader Asks

Hope all is well on your side of the world. I am the nutty person from Australia who just loves your newsletters, but hasn't written for a while.

The last I wrote was about a messy table that the men in my life just adored piling up some many a moon ago. Thankfully this problem I had, which you assisted me, and my serious injured foot story is behind me. I must tell you how this sort of trauma in my life has changed me. I am more grateful and count the simple blessing of just placing my feet out of my bed and just feeling the soft carpet between my toes, without pain and just walking out of the room a true miracle. Something I had just never really appreciated as a blessing at the time, but now well, the Lord never stops hearing my thanks.

Anyway, I couldn't help contacting you after reading your August 5, newsletter. You see, since all of that happened last year, something lovely has happened. My youngest son has found a lovely girl. She is rather adorable, kind, considerate, and very loving. However, I find she is, on the other hand, somewhat lost in her fear of so many things. This is where your newsletter has triggered this issue, which I have pondered and find what you are saying just so close to home, if you know what I mean. I love what and how you have written your piece. I have tried to explain so many of the points you bring up to her myself. You worded my thoughts remarkably well, as though you were reading my head over the last few months.

It saddens me that her little confidence and approach to so many challenges is so lacking, that she will never reach her potential, and will spend the rest of her life in total fear of so much, that it will affect her health considerably and she sits in the same hole rather than growing as a person. You may be saying, 'why is this affecting you?', but with another son who is disabled, it breaks my heart to think that a possible daughter-in-law is resorting to drugs to just be surviving on a day-to-day basis when if she gave herself some credit and challenged herself a bit, could make a world of difference to her. Confidence is an amazing part of who we are and it is really important on so many levels.

I read your newsletter and say to myself, `if only she would take on board what you are saying.' Even the thought of showing it to her marks for concern as I do not want her to think I am being pushy or nasty. I just would like to be a able to encourage properly sometimes. How do I do this? I know there is a fine line between pushy and encouragement and I fear my enthusiasm in some of our girlie chats, tends to be toward pushy maybe, or I think it is the way it is coming across as she has little inclination to change at all. Then I hear feedback from my son who wants to know why I am talking about her taking on board some new things, and consequently stressing her out.

She has an amazing art ability, can draw pictures like photos, and yet for five years she has struggled to find employment, regardless that she has tried so hard to find work. I really think her own confidence in herself is what is letting her down. If only she can take on board just one thing you said. It might do wonders for her as a person.

Help me. How do I send it to her without doing it as though I am pushing my views? You are such a genius with things...I had to ask. Can you help with an appropriate way to help me encourage her without sounding like a possible witch, of a maybe, future mother-in-law?

My head says you might say, 'but you can lead a horse to water to drink, but you can't make him drink if he doesn't want to, but Maria, you are such a clever lass, I am sure you will come up with something of real value to assist me. I would love to hear your views.

Please take care and keep sending those amazing newsletters!

Sincerest regards,

--Doris

Maria Gracia Responds

First, I would like to say thank you for your letter, Doris, and all your kind words. I am happy to hear that my newsletters reach people, regardless of location and demographics and are relatable to so many. Glad to hear about your recovery from your injured foot...and I loved hearing about how grateful you are.

Regarding your possible-future-daughter-in-law, perhaps you could forward her a copy of a relevant GON newsletter issue, such as the one you mentioned. Include a small personal message saying, 'I really like this newsletter...it always includes helpful tips. This particular one inspired me. I thought you'd enjoy it. Hope you're doing well!'

She will either read it, or she won't. But at least you passed it on.

My best advice to you is to be a positive person in her life, which it sounds like you already are. Become a cheerleader and encourage her whenever you can. Any time you see positive behaviors/change in her, celebrate it. Let her know. Brag about her in front of her...and others. Make her feel like she's on top of the world.

When you're in a conversation with her, minimize any 'you should...' statements, as initiating with those words can sound judgmental, or like you know better than she does...which you might, but if she feels that way, you may be pushing her away from you. Try to use 'I feel' statements instead.' Perhaps something like, 'I feel your art skills could be of huge benefit to such-and-such advertising agency. Have you approached them? I feel they'd be lucky to have you as part of their team.'

You mentioned she has tried to gain employment for five years, unsuccessfully. But you mentioned she is trying very hard. Perhaps she needs to refine the type of employment she is looking for. Maybe you can suggest an employment agency who can help guide her a bit. Sometimes you have to take a job that's not 'exactly' what you're looking for, to get your foot in the door to someplace that may have what you are looking for in time. Simply passing on a business card of a trusted employment agency can help...'You've been trying so hard to find employment that works for you...and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can find something you'd be happy with. I know this lady who works for ABC Employment Agency. Here's her card. You may want to call her and see if she can't help you out a bit. I know she has helped many smart, talented folks like yourself.'

I think its lovely that you think so highly of her and you want to cultivate a positive relationship. I suggest simply being there for your future daughter-in- law. Be a good listener and a willing sounding board for her to bounce her thoughts and ideas off of. Don't offer your own opinion or advice unless she asks for it, or at least ask her first if she'd be willing to hear you out. Be heavy on the compliments and light on the advice.

The drug-issue you mentioned is a concern. I'm guessing you're talking about an energy-booster type drug. How do you know she's taking these? Has she told her? Has your son told you? If so, have you had a a heart-to-heart with your son about your concerns for this young lady's well-being? She may need therapy, which can also help her with her low confidence and self-esteem...and it's your son's responsibility, if he plans to marry her, to step in.

Art can be an amazing outlet for expressing one's self as well as our emotions. Encourage her to draw...perhaps even buy a few pieces from her to give away as gifts. Really emphasize how incredible her talents are.

In the end, all you can really do is live your own life and continue to be a positive example and role model to both your son and possible future daughter- in-law. You might, rather than trying to solve these challenges, focus on being a cheerleader and a positive support system.

Merry Christmas and sending over lots of good wishes for a wonderful new year for you and your family!

Maria