A GON Reader Asks

Maria,

For end of life planning, what do you recommend to someone (me) whose parents have passed, has no children, has no medical directives nor anyone they trust to be that for them, no money for funerals, so has made no arrangements, plus not knowing where to be buried...although want to be buried, not cremated.

I'm in Los Angeles, and my family (brother and sister-in-law, not whom I'd want to be in charge of my affairs, disabled nephew, married nephew and wife (she, I'd trust, her head is on straight), are in Florida, my married niece is in Toronto..don't currently have good friends here, just people from my Temple (synagogue).

Maybe this isn't the best time to do this, although I'm 70 (look 50), trying to catch up on life and health.

My mother passed two weeks ago in New York. My brother and I were not notified she'd been hospitalized for 5 days..her 'friend' from her former Temple, was designated by mother as Health Advocate in the hospital, was her financial advisor and Executor of the Estate..had agreed to call my brother if anything happened to my mother, but didn't! He told the hospital doctor to call my brother, and he did so only after my Mom had passed. My brother, as yet, has not provided me with his number, nor that of the attorney.

Any feedback you could offer would be welcome.

Thank you for your understanding and generosity.

Sincerely,

This Reader Question was submitted by:

--Sharon, Canoga Park, Los Angeles


Maria Gracia responds...

Sharon,

First, my deepest condolences on your mother's passing. I can personally attest that it's heartbreaking to lose one's mom, and I certainly hope you can find peace in all of your happy memories with her

I can see, from what happened to your mother and the lack of communication with her illness and her passing, why you would be concerned about your own pre- planning. It is never too early to make plans for one's burial or funeral...and since you don't feel comfortable asking others to do it for you, you should probably do it yourself. I know...not a fun task. But you may be actually be relieved knowing that everything is taken care of...in the way you want it to be. Once everything is handled, you can file away the paperwork, allow it to drift from your mind, and continue to live life in the best way you can.

It doesn't have to cost anything for you to 'plan.' Where the money comes in is with the casket and funeral services. According to Funeral Wise, 'Preplanning a funeral simply means that you record, either on paper or electronically, how you want your end-of-life arrangements handled. Making those decisions does NOT have to cost money, but it is worth its weight in gold. A funeral plan includes things like whether you would like to be buried versus cremated, What type of service you prefer (body versus no body present), and any other pertinent details.'

So, preplan on paper or digitally, at minimum, and give a copy of it to your married nephew and his wife...just in case...so at least someone in your family is aware of your wishes.

I know you mentioned that money is an issue. That being said, are you currently working or on social security? Even putting a small amount of money aside each week, for this specific purpose, will help you feel like you're building up a fund for end-of-life planning. Hopefully, you'll be around for a long, long time...and even $10 a week will add up over the years. Open an account at your bank specifically for this purpose, don't ever touch the money in it, and let at least one trusted family member know that it's there in case something happens to you.

You might also consider talking to a social worker in your state to get some advice. There may be federal and/or state funding available to you if you are eligible. In fact, I found this information online which you may find helpful.

https://www.funeralwise.com/plan/paying/

Again, I know none of this is pleasant to think about, but being organized and having a plan, for the sake of peace of mind, is well worth it.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. Sending thoughts of peace and comfort your way,

--Maria

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